We sometimes assume that children who bully are “bad kids.” But many otherwise well-behaved children get involved in bullying. Sometimes they want to fit in with a group of kids who are bullying. Children who want attention or are naturally assertive may also become bullies. They may not understand how their actions or words impact other children. Kids who are bullied themselves, whether at home or at school, often become bullies too.
If you hear that your child is being a bully, start by talking to your child. Be open and direct: “Your teacher told me you were involved in some bullying at school. Can you tell me what happened?” Give your child space to explain what’s going on and how they feel about it. If it’s still not clear where the behavior is coming from, a mental health professional can help you figure it out. Kids who bully may have underlying emotional challenges.
Next, get specific about what you want to see instead. For example, if your child excludes other kids, let them know that you expect them to say yes when others ask to play with them. It also helps to look at what’s going on at home. Treating each other with respect and kindness sets a good example for kids.
Another option is setting clear consequences for your child’s behavior. For example, you might take away your child’s phone for a few days if their teacher reports bullying. Making amends with other kids can also be a helpful consequence, like a written apology or doing something nice for the person they hurt.
Finally, be sure to keep an open, loving line of communication with your child. Ask open-ended questions about their life and take time to listen. Knowing that you care about what’s going on with them makes them more likely to build positive relationships with others.
